The dance of life

I am coming to the end of my last "classwork" semester in grad school. Beginning next month I will do my last practicum, and bar nothing bizarre occurring, I will have my MSW in May. This transition will be filled a lot of thoughts, feelings, new experiences, joys, fears, disappointments, successes ... just like every other time in life, but then again not like any other time in my life. I guess as I grow I discover the uniqueness and potential of every moment in life (note I did NOT say, "as I grow older", because many people spend their entire life suspended at one age or another). I truly desire to begin to live fully, completely and to make each day count. Not that I have wasted countless years or anything dramatically traumatic. But I guess I'm getting serious about not wasting time, losing time or missing moments. So this blog begins because today I was thinking about how I worry needlessly about things I shouldn't and how that negates the quality of my life. Then, as often happens in life, the strangely coincidental occurred: my friend A.H. honored me with an invitation to follow her blog ... and I read a very moving post that was honestly open about fear of failure and my wheels began to spin. I commented the following on her post:
I too struggle with that fear ... the fear of failure has caused me countless hours of lost sleep, many episodes of heartburn, and it also blurs inappropriately into other "undesirable" patterns -- or defects of character. For example, I hate how it will bother me if someone does not like me. I "know" that it is truly impossible to please everyone, especially when I speak so boldly in the face of injustice or oppression. I am bound to be disliked by quite a few individuals because I am dedicated to effecting change. Sooooo, why should I give 2 sh**s whether someone doesn't like me? I think it comes back to the fear of failure ...as if I feel their judgment of my "person" could hold some validity of my unworthiness. Yet, the competent, logical, intelligent side of me says,"Linda, you are a good, decent person. You are not perfect. However, when you do make a mistake, you take action to correct the error and, if necessary- ask for forgiveness." Yet, when I am denied forgiveness and persecuted for my error, it hurts me and continues to bother me. It in essence, is me giving power over to some idiot who, through their narrow-mindedness has shown me their deficits. However, my fear of failure is capable of being so disabling -- to the point of causing me to feel I am supposed to be "perfect", even able to correct irrationality, selfishness or even dark hearts. So Angela, I join you in the crusade for personal growth and betterment. Let us be join heart, minds and souls to promote growth ... you inspire me to try my own blog as well. Thank you, once again, for being such a wonderful influence in my life. How fortunate I am to know you and call you friend.
And with the words falling so easily upon her page, I realized the potential for freedom from chains that bind and the ability to learn more about myself, life and "all that is". So, I join the world of blogging. The first goal on my agenda is to live my life, NOT for the approval of others, but to live my life authentically. I shall begin to define what living authentically is in my next post.