pruning hurts

Yes, I realize that pruning is necessary for my soul to produce more fruit, and I do want to grow. But, as is true for mankind, I don't like pain. Particularly emotional pain is difficult for me. Another characteristic about pruning I find challenging, is it's usually -- no just about always -- unexpected. Hence, two unpleasant characteristics have to be tolerated for this pruning process: pain and unexpected "things" happening.

Lord, open my eyes and heart and soul so that I may see, learn and do your will -- and hopefully avoid a lot of "re-peat pruning". I am a tough cookie and have gotten this far -- but I admit it, I am weary now. So I am ready. Willingly I shall set "myself" aside, as well as I can; with the specific hopes that I can absorb your word, your will, your spirit. I've been trying to do this life thing, and ya know, I think I've gotten as wise, talented and content as I can without you being beside me every second of the day. I get it now. I need you in my life daily -- and throughout the day. Yes, I have been very blessed in my life, fumbling through as a believer, but not as a Christian who holds you first and foremost in my daily walk; but living as a believer who tries to do the right thing and then when I am not sure of next steps, then I seek you. Please help me become a godly person, and help me not let my "self" become a barrier. I have been raised and lived to be an independent person -- but I see that being independent requires I integrate you into each moment of my life.

Save Now

As I watch the 2010 Winter Olympics, I pause to contemplate how life can change so abruptly within mere seconds. In the time that it takes to blink an eye, a life is made, another ended, dreams realized and hopes dashed. Our Olympians have spent countless hours practicing, perfecting and dreaming for this one performance. So much for such a brief moment.

Is this exact moment really worthy of as much emphasis as it is given? I guess each athlete decides for themselves, just as you and I, how much weight we give this moment.

My minds eye travels to the quote splashed on bumper stickers and motivational posters insisting to me the most important moments are those that take your breath away. Indeed, many of the Olympians do hold their breath as they wait for judgment to be cast.

Judgment. Ugh.
I do not want my "success" dependent upon the approval of man.
This moment, here on my laptop, watching the Olympics proved important to me as well. With a small breath and feeling of increased freedom, I will click on the pale blue box that benignly states, "Save Now" -- and close my laptop. Then I shall lie on my side to watch the presentation of medals... hoping they do not define their true worth by the color of a medal. I shall pray to my God, and eventually fall into slumber. Perhaps tomorrow I shall awake. If not --
my God, my God -- "Save Now".

God didn't HAVE to make flowers so bright, beautiful and with a lovely fragrance as well. Nor did the bird's song have to be so sweet upon our ears ...but He did, and who am I that I walk by them without a notice? I keep my head filled with lists and worries and a continual sifting of the schedule in life, that I forget the miracles surrounding me. I forget and then, when angered by pain, I shake my fist at God, demanding He explain to me why? Sometimes tears fill my eyes and doubt His love for me or others. Yet, He cared enough to be mindful of my world and decorate it with animals, insects and plants of every kind, and he cared enough to see mankind needed a companion. He could have really truly made the earth in shades of brown, gray and dirty whites, but He didn't. Just as I lovingly chose lacy curtains for my youngest child's bedroom, He choose to drape lace in spiderwebs, drooping ferns and shadows dancing upon the grass. Thank you God. And help me to see the celebration of life and man that you convey each day.

I see you today God. This is very good. I am reminded with the sunlight's glint off the snow, that within life is a liturgy and celebration -- and there are more commonalities than differences between ... Thank you for this moment. May I remember to re-read the obvious evidence of your love the next time I feel lost in despair.

Struggle with Pain

Tonight I struggled in dealing with raw pain. There are many times in life when pain occurs randomly, from those we don't know or don't know very well. However, when those we love and trust with our innermost secrets and our greatest strengths/weakness, when they attack us without warning - the pain is beyond description. This evening I was broadsided by a verbal "sharing" of someone whom I love very much and had considered to be inside my "safe place in life" and "my safe place in my heart." So when this person unleashed pent up anger -- no, pent up rage, and words which pierced my identity as a wife, mother, citizen and basic individual -- I struggled very hard. I listened and tried to respond ... yet I learned that pent up rage has no desire to hear. Rage only wants to wound. And I was, and am wounded. Deeply. As I listened I learned that this person had waited until I was past my surgery, past the legalities with my ex-husband and finally through with my formal classes in graduate school (I only have my internship/practicum/clinical unit to complete) -- and then they elaborated they felt I could "take the truth"... Yet, as a person and as a professional in human services, I know that "the truth" is their perspective. Which, I admit, is a partial reality -- just like my perception is partial reality.

Time shall reveal possibilities and limitations.

The dance of life

I am coming to the end of my last "classwork" semester in grad school. Beginning next month I will do my last practicum, and bar nothing bizarre occurring, I will have my MSW in May. This transition will be filled a lot of thoughts, feelings, new experiences, joys, fears, disappointments, successes ... just like every other time in life, but then again not like any other time in my life. I guess as I grow I discover the uniqueness and potential of every moment in life (note I did NOT say, "as I grow older", because many people spend their entire life suspended at one age or another). I truly desire to begin to live fully, completely and to make each day count. Not that I have wasted countless years or anything dramatically traumatic. But I guess I'm getting serious about not wasting time, losing time or missing moments. So this blog begins because today I was thinking about how I worry needlessly about things I shouldn't and how that negates the quality of my life. Then, as often happens in life, the strangely coincidental occurred: my friend A.H. honored me with an invitation to follow her blog ... and I read a very moving post that was honestly open about fear of failure and my wheels began to spin. I commented the following on her post:
I too struggle with that fear ... the fear of failure has caused me countless hours of lost sleep, many episodes of heartburn, and it also blurs inappropriately into other "undesirable" patterns -- or defects of character. For example, I hate how it will bother me if someone does not like me. I "know" that it is truly impossible to please everyone, especially when I speak so boldly in the face of injustice or oppression. I am bound to be disliked by quite a few individuals because I am dedicated to effecting change. Sooooo, why should I give 2 sh**s whether someone doesn't like me? I think it comes back to the fear of failure ...as if I feel their judgment of my "person" could hold some validity of my unworthiness. Yet, the competent, logical, intelligent side of me says,"Linda, you are a good, decent person. You are not perfect. However, when you do make a mistake, you take action to correct the error and, if necessary- ask for forgiveness." Yet, when I am denied forgiveness and persecuted for my error, it hurts me and continues to bother me. It in essence, is me giving power over to some idiot who, through their narrow-mindedness has shown me their deficits. However, my fear of failure is capable of being so disabling -- to the point of causing me to feel I am supposed to be "perfect", even able to correct irrationality, selfishness or even dark hearts. So Angela, I join you in the crusade for personal growth and betterment. Let us be join heart, minds and souls to promote growth ... you inspire me to try my own blog as well. Thank you, once again, for being such a wonderful influence in my life. How fortunate I am to know you and call you friend.
And with the words falling so easily upon her page, I realized the potential for freedom from chains that bind and the ability to learn more about myself, life and "all that is". So, I join the world of blogging. The first goal on my agenda is to live my life, NOT for the approval of others, but to live my life authentically. I shall begin to define what living authentically is in my next post.